Saturday, December 28, 2019

Hindsight 2020 or looking ahead


Hindsight 2020 or looking ahead

     This year has been one I have struggled through quite a bit. I really thought we could get a great start on so much and really make things work for us. Wow how wrong was I on so many accounts. See we ended 2018 with a partial roof and all the materials to get it finished in the next year.  Finishing up that school year was one thing that was one thing that kept me from getting things done, by the time I got home I was too tired. By the time spring got here the temperatures seemed to be unbearable close to 100 degrees every day, on the bright side my husband finally got the back surgery he dearly needed. That was another setback.  Once school started this year I had chosen to accompany a student to Atlanta every day for several months and didn’t get home sometimes till 6 or 7 o’clock in the evening.

     In between times we had several litters of pigs and sold a few and lost a few, including our dear goats. Sad that this area has a he population of stray dogs that get dropped off and take a toll on the farmer that work so hard for their animals stock. We are expecting babies any day now. We have had a good share of eggs and no chickens were lost and the guineas are fully grown new and will be laying in the upcoming spring.

     We have had family setbacks, aging parent and big decisions to make for my side of things. My youngest sister has taken my mother in and is caring for her these days. That is a blessing on my part since mom really didn’t want to spend the time with us. I thank my sister from the bottom of my heart. The newest arrival on my husband side of the family is my step daughter and her precious Willow. That is exciting in itself. We would love many more but as it stands now no more babies for us.

     Now comes the hard part to deal with, I quit my job due to over stress and disagreements and I have been searching for a new job. It is very hard for me to think about this because sometimes I feel like I should not have quit, but my health and mental being was far more important for me than continuing to work under those conditions. This was a hard decision to make because I am the head of household since my husband is on disability, and the more I made the less his check was. He seems to make it tough on me at times because I just can’t function on the level I did before and that sends me deeper into depression.  The holidays and shorter days make things that much more excruciating for me. Not that we celebrate but that family members don’t think we exist towards the end of the year because they are off doing their thing with their families.

     I bought a car this summer and I was so happy we could now have our own freedom to go which hadn’t happened in so many years. But that lasted only a few months and my clutch went out. I was having to be carted around again and that meant back and forth to work, which was a lot farther than just going to school and back. I hate being a burden. Now it seems that is all I am.

     Here we are at the very end of the year once again and decisions of so much has fallen upon my shoulders to find a new job and that has been hard being I am soon to turn 60 and really no true experience of any sort. I just want to go back to serving my time as a full time pioneer* but someone has to make the bills. I get thousands of jobs in emails, but only a few have called or answered back. For now I just pray things will be better in 2020. Hindsight I have learned a lot of hard lessons. I have gained a lot of self-control. I have learned to humble myself and to except things that I cannot change. I am working on changing things even more by simplifying and ridding the things that no longer work for me. As for the roof and this house time will tell. Lots of buckets, a good mop and prayers keep things going there. Maybe 2020 will give me that much. Who knows? I can only hope for the best for all of us. That is where my hope and prayers keep me from going over the edge.  To 2020!
*Door to door service for Jehovah Witnesses


Tuesday, December 24, 2019

Happy, Thankful and Hopeful Putting My Heart on My Sleeve.


 Wow, you know it has been almost 30 years now since my husband and I met and got married. We have been blessed with more than we could have ever hoped for too. See my best friend Laurie made me, drug me to meet Tom and I am so glad she was so persistent. It truly was love at first sight. Somehow she knew that too. She would be so happy to know that we have lasted this long and will be together forever. She passed away a few years back.
Tom and I have endured through many things: past relationships, adoptions, new homes, being run out of town, Tom being thrown in jail several times, Losing custody of a child, getting to know a child, fostering one too. We lost jobs and cars and homes. I have been disowned and he kept me going, lost family gained family  have many grandchildren, but the best thing we have done in our life was to make the truth our own. Jehovah our God. We have been Jehovah’s Witness for almost 30 years as unbaptized and baptized witnesses. We could not have endured threw all we have gone through if we didn’t have god on our side and three cords in our marriage. Studying the bible was the best thing we could have ever done. I just wished I had become what I am today long before that. But I can neither change the past nor would I ever.
See my life was more than a major hurricane. I was far from anything anyone would really care to deal with. I had done things I should have never done like 2 abortions and I lost one child, I have affairs, tried to take my own life several times and I had one child that never knew her real father, and three that had their father but finally gave them up for my husband to adopt. Had two failed marriages, I did drugs and drank too much at times, I was raped and molested and my life was more than I could take and on top of that I was always told I would never amount to anything.
Tom was there to help me every step of the way. He was my strength alongside of Jehovah. I cannot thank my dear friend Laurie enough for dragging me to meet such a wonderful and loving man as I found in Tom. Yes I can put it out there because I know I am so much better now than I could have been if I never opened the door for the two sisters that came to see me weekly. Tom didn’t take long to end his search for the true either. We got married three weeks after our first date. We were baptized in 1994 together and we raised our children in the truth. But now I have the pain of knowing I may lose them permanently to the world. A mother can only pray that they will return to it before it is too late. I have the most beautiful grandchildren and they mean more than anyone could ever know. Surviving together can only be my icing on my cake. As for my dearest friend Laurie, I have the hope and faith that we will soon be united when the resurrection comes along with my children I lost all those years ago and all our loved ones that have passed too.
I still find myself struggling and will till this old world ends. My house is falling apart more and more every day, I ended my job due to things I could never agree with, my husband is disable and our parents are getting older and need us. I sometimes lay in bed all night praying for things to change faster than they have but what would happen if my children don’t come home and the end comes. These are the things I think about day in and day out. I don’t care if my house falls in around me if I don’t have my kids and grandchildren and Tom it just seems all for nothing. But I know no matter how bad things get I have Jehovah on my side and that is all I need to truly survive. Without him in my live I would have, wow I may not even be here today. But I have more than I need and I have my health and my hubby. Life is what it is and I would not change it because I changed when I put on that new personality all those years ago. That suits me just fine. I am thankful for all those year, through good and bad happy and sad I know things will be just fine. Jehovah has promised me that.
When that time comes and I can be invited to meet all those loved ones in the time when Jesus calls them back, there will be no more dysfunction in my world it will all be functional and loving , never seeing the pain again. Happy are those who call upon the name of Jehovah, for he will bring us back to that garden of Eden and there will be no more death sickens, wars and so much more gone forever here on earth.  Rev 21:3-4 
I hope you all find peace and love in the coming year as I have. I will continue to pray for all to join us before the last of the last days.